Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
is it a bad thing if he can only get off when i start talking like one of the girls from Jersey Shore??
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
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They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
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I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so