just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
"guaranteed dick" "anywhere - her room, my room, trees, couch"
Sorry that was quotes about you from the grad student.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
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