So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
21 People Confess What It’s Really Like At An Orgy
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
These 15 Honest Illustrations Show What Women Do When No One Is Watching
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it