His pubic hair was longer than his dick
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
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