I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
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