im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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