Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
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