when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
haha she has always seemed a little off. when i met her i was told she was the queen slut. and she had a crown on at the time. it seemed appropriate.
Mom said you looked used
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
Randomize
