I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
yeah, it was that bad.
I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
Also we saw a clown getting arrested. Rochester is weird.
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi