good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.