Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
if it makes you feel any better you looked really comfortable while you were sleepin in the closet, atleast according to the pictures i woke up with on my phone
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
Randomize
