On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Randomize
