My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
Randomize
