ya dads aren't the best wingmen
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
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