I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
Do you ever creep on the girls you have banged and wondered how their walk of shame went?
THE PICTURE OF PEPPERMINT MOCHA MADE ME WANT TO TOUCH MYSELF
she told me i tasted like america
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Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
I have surprise drugs for everyone
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
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My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
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