How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
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