i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
come outside for a special surprise it involves huge boobs
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
false alarm, still single
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
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