The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
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Well I don't think you could recreate that hangover if you tried. It was like the perfect storm of hangovers.
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
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That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
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