No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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