it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
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Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
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30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
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