I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
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