I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
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