I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
I am the oldest one here and I STILL feel like I need an adult. help.
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
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