It's like I'm the Little Bo Peep of sheparding dicks.
Only someone with your twisted mind could come up with that simile. Do you sit around and read 'How to turn Beloved Childrens Stories into Sexual Analogies?' This is the 3rd time you've done this.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.