I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
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I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
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The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.