I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
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hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
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It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"