I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
cat food counts as protein by the way
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.