How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
19 Confessions From A Dude With A Micropenis
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
17 Exes Admit Why They Were Crazy In Their Past Relationship
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.