Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
ParTy fuckkin suckkkks bro I gotta fid sum biTch 2 leT me fire sum loadz on her FACE!
?
Nah, but can you imagine if I were seriously like that?
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
did he really ask u insert a warm banna in ur anal?
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
shit i just threw up on a freshman
i don't know if i should laugh or feel bad..
nevermind it was a sophmore, laugh.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
