I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
Life is so much better after having sex.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Randomize
