Yeah unless I can find some idiot to make love to
why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
So much for the toy store...Not a butt plug in the entire place. See you tonight.
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
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