You're in luck. The brownies don't even have butter, just vege oil
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize
