look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
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