$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
fuck your aforementioned shoe
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
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