You're a womanizer and a bitch.
Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
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If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
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New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.