I am so gay it hurts my loins. Going to see She's Just Not That Into You... again. Ohhh my goodness.
I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
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I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
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What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.