Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.