If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
yours is so small it looks like an acorn!!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
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