I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
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Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
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I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Randomize