i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
sex on a bike is impossible
challenge accepted
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
