I'm scared
There's nothing to be scared of. My penis is average size.
That's what I'm afraid of
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
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Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
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As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
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