I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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