that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
Angelique from Rock of Love is now doing phone sex commercials for central illinois....id say she's going places.
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
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