oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
Do u kno any dealers?
I've officially lost all respect for you, dad.
I drew a venn diagram at the top of my final comparing stuff i know and stuff on the test.
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
