I am in a vortex of obligation.
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
What a dumb baby whore.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
Definitely but only if you hit on the 16 year old in the karate class as part of your waffle and gin fueled sexually deprived rage.
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
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