Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
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Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
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We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
I just fell out of my doorway to go to class so if that doesn't describe how my night went idk what will
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
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