highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
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I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
me + whiskey = a bad person
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I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
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