I'm pants shitting drunk right now
you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
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winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
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Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
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