I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
He asked me if I "almost moaned"
Thats a flattering suggestion doug but lets be clear NO you may not put your face in my vagina just because ur not charging me a cover. sorry.
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
been home a week and haven't blacked out yet. i miss college
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
Randomize
