how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
We were taking body shots by lunch. I love college.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
Randomize
