I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
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