I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
Who keeps a bong in their car??
Kids who graduated high school two weeks ago.
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
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