Will you blow on my dice?
Boobs. All I remember is boobs.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
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I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Randomize