who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
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It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
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We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
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