??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
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