I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
Randomize
